Grrrr...
Sorry for what is sure to be a slightly whiney and a little emotional rant.
I'm a dreamer...always have been. And when I dream, I dream big. I am also completely and unfortunately all to aware that dreams, especially wedding dreams, are expensive.
So right now...despite the fact that I haven't gotten more than 5 hours sleep in the past 2 days, I'm sitting here...still dreaming of all the things I want to see happen on our big day, and trying to figure out what I can sacrifice.
The national average for wedding cost is $25,000+...we've all seen that number somewhere...but the ever so depressing fact for me...is there is no way in H.E. double hockey sticks, that this wedding is gonna come anywhere close to that unless I catch some financial windfall soon.
Right now, we live with my fiances family...but this is only a temporary situation. Once we've left here, any and all chances to actually SAVE money, go out the window... We'll have rent of our own and utilities and groceries and all that other fun crap that comes with being adults.
Right now, I have 0 income. I have been temporarily disabled since October after dislocating and breaking my ankle. 1 surgery, 3 casts and an air boot later, I'm finally able to transition into shoes and start walking again, but that's going to take a few weeks at least. I'm about to start business as a Scentsy consultant...and have been toying with the idea of a wedding planning business as well at the suggestion of a number of friends and family. Hey, just cause I can't afford to pay for my own wedding, doesn't mean I can't plan the dickens out of someone else's right?
My fiance is also income impaired at the moment. He spent 3 months in the hospital...from August-November last year...and is still in the recovery stages after both of his lungs collapsed. I was very nearly a widow before I was ever a bride. Right now, we're waiting on his first full SSD check, but even when those start, we're still so far away from being able to save nearly enough for even the most basic version of the dream.
We have been together for 9 years almost...in July. And the way too close call we just experienced has made it more than apparent how precious every second is. It's time for the next step, way past time... We've already waited this long for our dream wedding, and now, that lameness known as cash flow...is totally starting to put a damper on my mood. Fiance is always trying to keep me grounded but has a tendency to unknowingly hurt me deeper than I let on. I understand his reasoning is that he doesn't want me to get my hopes up for something that can't happen, only to be crushed in the end when it doesn't come together...and feels that we should be planning for something more on the lines of what we know we can accomplish...but with the situation as it is, I don't even know what that means.
I have been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl...and that's all I want to do right now is dream. Plan things the way they are in my dream on that off chance I get my money miracle. But there are moments I just want to throw my hands up in the air, scream, cry, and just stop...
GRRRRR!
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